Life at Home

So, I would like to talk a little about my integration back into my normal life.  I have been really lucky with this trip; my re-integration back into my family has been really good.  My husband and I are getting along really well, and the relationship with my son seems to be about the same.  That part seems to be doing pretty well.  I got diarrhea about two days home.  I realized that I needed to get reconnected with my ancestors again, so I made my bubbles again, and it worked.  My diarrhea has subsided and the rest of my body symptoms have disappeared.  I unpacked within two days.  And it was like nothing had happened.  My husband sees no change with me.

I’m back to doing my normal life.  I don’t feel like I have direction in any particular way.  I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing.  I am back to where I was before I left, and it is a little un-nerving.  Some where in the second week back, I had a “loud” discussion with my ancestors.  Here I am, ready to get to work, and there is no work.

I have talked with a couple of my close friends and they have helped me to put this time in perspective.  One of them asked me what did I expect, a line of clients out to the street.  And I have to say, that yes indeed that is what I expected, except I also expected it to be three deep.  If I am a healer, then I want to heal!  One of my friends said “My God Shilo, you’ve been back for ten days. Maybe you need to chill.”  I must say, that I don’t really want to chill.  I want to be doing something.  And my friend pointed out that I have been able to re-integrate with ease and grace, and maybe I should be grateful for the fact that I’m back in my life, and there are no crises.  And maybe, this is about time for my family to get settled with my energy, so that there continue to be no crises.  And maybe a time for my ancestors to get settled too.

I was able to hear that advise, and I calmed down.  And then my friend said something that I have been thinking about a lot.  She reminded me about how relatively easy it was for me to be in Africa.  That would not have necessarily been her experience.  The actual day to day process was less enhanced with material items than I experience here, and that part of the trip didn’t bother me so much.  And she reminded me that I am Native American, my grandfather is half Ojibie, and that this – healing and living in harmony with the land – is in my DNA.  Maybe this is about me owning my inheritance. I was not raised on a reservation, neither was my mom or my grandfather.  His mother was not raised on a reservation either, she was raised in a tribe on the land.  So, my grandfather passed down how to live on the land, but not necessarily the tribal ways.  And because I don’t know the tribal ways, I have discounted my heritage.  I forgot that it’s in my DNA, and going to come out without having to be taught within an actual tribal system.  We all have pieces of our DNA that have to do with our birthright, and it will be activated when it’s time.  And, I don’t have to feel like I am not good enough to claim my birth right and my DNA, just because I don’t have a piece of paper that says I belong to this particular tribe.  I seem to have a pattern of searching for some piece of paper that will give me some sort of legitimacy for who I am inside.

What I am getting to, is that I don’t need a piece of paper so that I can prove to you that I am good enough and that I have a right to be who I am.  I am getting to the point of I AM WHO I AM, and from there moving onto I KNOW WHAT I KNOW.  And, I am not going to be able to live within a tribal system, because that is not my way.  I have had to find my own way, defining it as I go.  So the fact that my way doesn’t resemble the traditional tribal way, does not discount what I know, or my gifts, my birth right.  My birth right, my purpose, is that of a healer and an artist.  I don’t need anyone to validate if for me.  I am what I am.  And there is freedom in my insides because of that.  I get to define what it means to be my kind of healer, and my kind of artist.  So, being reminded about my DNA has maybe given me part of the answer of what I grew into while I was in Africa.  I am sure there is more to be discovered, but this is where I am tonight.

Take care,  Shilo

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